surgical removal of the sacred feminine

i was prepared for what would come out as a result of drinking the Fleet bowel-cleansing solution, but i was not at all prepared for how it would go in. how could 1.5 ounces be so difficult to down? it took 3 gulps from the tiny bottle, and between each gulp i struggled not to heave it back up. 1.5 ounces at 4 PM, then 1.5 ounces at 7 PM. the 'regular' decidedly worse tasting than the 'lemon'. an hour after the first tiny plastic flask i felt the warning drop and gurgle in my gut. my ass then began to behave like a Super Soaker water gun. for hours. because the Fleet had been whisked off the shelves that day due to abuse as a means of weight loss, i thought i'd do a Before & After weigh-in. However, my digital scale hadn't survived being flung onto the back porch during one cleaning frenzy, then left out there in the cold. my decision, based on the taste (imagine gulping sea water - but worse - viscous as motor oil), was that anyone who would drink this stuff to lose weight was in need of serious psychological intervention.

i hyper-hydrated myself, knowing i would have nothing in my gut again for 24 hours, insuring that i wouldn't be thirsty in the morning when i was allowed nothing at all pre-op (surery was at 1 PM). mom, jo, and jen accompanied me to the hospital.

"like Steel Magnolias" jennifer said.

but didn't shelby die, i thought?

they had a scoreboard like you'd see at the racetrack in the waiting area. your person's name would change colors as they changed positions from pre-op, to op, to post-op. i found that kind of cool, not that anyone was sticking around to watch my name move around the scoreboard.

soon jennifer declared that she was "gonna roll" because she was too antsy to stay 20 more minutes. i lay there in my Oprah-sized hospital johnnie pulling rings off my Fleet-shrunken fingers and putting all 4 into a felt bag, pulling the neck tightly before handing it off to mom, keeper of the rings. i thought about just leaving them at home that morning as i removed my earrings and necklace, but mom wanted to be "keeper of the rings" so i could have them back after surgery, so i let her. the nurses covered me in oven-heated flannel blankets until i was a white mummy, rehydrated through an IV. there seemed to be a nurse for everything, then came the anesthesiologist and my doctor, suzy silverstein. suddenly there was a whole lot going on. the clock had apparently hit 1:00.

as they unclocked the wheels of the hospital bed i watched mom and jo begin to rise with their goodbyes. suddenly mom was screaming and sobbing, eyes squeezed tightly shut. she fell back into her chair gasping "my thumb, my thumb, i hurt my thumb". everyone medical seemed to momentarily forget about me in the unfolding drama. you see, mom had fallen several days earlier and jammed her thumb. apparently, while pushing herself out of her chair sans thumb brace, she proceeded to snap, perhaps break, something. i bellowed at her to take her rings off, for chrissakes, her hand was going to swell, and fast. nurses whizzed a wheelchair over and despite mom's inisistence that she'd be fine, they were having none of it. she was rolled off to the ER as i was rolled off to the OR. i watched the ceiling roll by and tried to apologize and explain the the hysteria before the hysterectomy. and then we were in the cold Operating Room. what was the big hurry? everything was happening so fast. all i remember is the anesthesiologist somehow mentioned the comedian joel mchale, The Soup on the E! channel, and his appearance at the Hukelau as we scuttled my butt onto the operating table. then i felt a burn in my wrist at the IV site and i raised my hand, staring at it as if it were an alien object. my last words were a joyful cry of "i love Spaghetti Cat!" (search youtube.com if you don't know what Spaghetti Cat is).

it's nice that you can't remember the length of time surgery takes or the position they had you in (i'm pretty sure i was in the charming legs-up stirrup position, though they weren't heading in that way), only that you're glad you shaved your legs and trimmed your bikini area. i'm too proud to go into surgery or a massage all hairy. i cannot tell you about the surgery because although i was there, i was not really there. only that there was a cool da Vinci robot machine involved.

my post-op moans seemed to please the nurses who mumbled something about morphine. then dr. silverstein's head bobbled and wavered in my sight-line, mumbling something about the surgery and an ovary. if they were unintelligible i can imagine how unintelligible i was. why do they even bother talking to you in Recovery? it's a complete waste of a conversation. please . . . talk to me when i am not stupefied. i didn't really feel any pain that i recall, maybe something in the middle of my body, and i have no idea how i got from Recovery to my room in Maternity.

yes, you read right. they put me in Maternity. i knew that was the plan beforehand so i wasn't surprised, but the irony continued to amuse me for my entire stay. i didn't have the huge swanky birthing room the mothers had (i later discovered) but a strange, sort of air-locked room with 2 doors to enter. enter the first, wash your hands thoroughly please, then enter the second. it was as if i was contagious, but i wasn't, and no one really had to wash. the room was dim when i came to and it was almost larger than the rooms on regular floors that bob had to share with 3 other men. sure, i was pleased with my good private room fortune, but the inequity wasn't lost on me. birthing gets a lot more room than dying.

jo came to see me with a pot of blossoming red tulips as she headed back to boston, telling me all the ER action and explaining how mom was too exhausted to return to the hospital, which was fine because i too was exhausted. we tested the buttons on the bed, raising it and turning on the TV which played the "Serenity Channel" (as bob called it during his hospital days) - scenes of orchids and snow covered mountains, deserts and sea, teamed with serene music. it was peaceful. on the other hand, my catheter was annoying the hell out of me. luckily, they have a pill for that. i could have had the nurse pull it out for the night but i decided i didn't want to risk fainting on one of what would no doubt be many trips to the bathroom. the catheter had the last laugh, however. during one 'vitals check' i felt something wet. tubes had somehow come apart during one of my slow rolls in sleep and the top of my white circulation tights was wet and yellow. i got a new johnnie, new pad under my butt, but she just towel dried the very un-chic thigh-high i had to wear as tubes of air massaged my legs to prevent clots. at the time (the middle of the night) that was acceptable. in the morning it wasn't.

the night was an endless parade of blood pressure monitors, O2 and heart rate stats, temperature taking. it seemed as if i'd barely fallen asleep when someone was there again. the nurses would write their names on the board as they changed shifts but i remembered none of them, only their personalities. night - tiny, dark and compassionate, her replacement big, blonde and very businesslike, next one very chipper but not terribly bright. another smelling of old lady perfume that hung in the air till i waved a Glamour magazine around to dispell it with something by Giorgio Armani or Calvin Klein instead. i remember convincing the compassionate little night nurse to bring me some toast even though i was supposed to only have clear liquids like Jell-O and soup. when she left the room i snuck a couple pieces of American cheese in saran wrap out of my pink bag of must-have items. as soon as the toast was on my tray i unwrapped the cheese and savored my first real food in almost 2 days. i felt quite brilliant having planned this sneaky treat and for dessert i sucked on a candy cane from my christmas tree. it was great. i even had a bendy straw in my water cup.

itching began that night and i complained of it repeatedly. my face felt as though it was crawling with bugs. i'd begin to doze off and my lip would itch. i'd scratch. almost asleep and the tip of my nose would itch and i'd scratch. my whole head would itch and i'd scratch madly, like a flea-ridden caveman. the nurse explained it away as something they'd used in the IV drugs and gave me a benadryl. but the benadryl offered no relief. every 4 hours i was allowed 2 percocets and i took one or both religiously for pain, never thinking twice. itch, itch, itch. in the morning my belly button began to itch too and the nurse said "oh good, that's a sign of healing!" but wasn't it too soon for that? i have a fast metabolism, fast digestive system, but could i actually heal that fast? (later i would google percocet and discover one possible side effect is itching, and my incisional itching was really the percolation of hives - a reaction against the bandages!)

from prior experience with laparoscopic surgery i knew to expect gas pain. no, not the kind in your bowels. this kind stems from being pumped with gas to create a coloseum inside my belly so the surgical tools had room to do their jobs. try as they might to suck it back out, some of the gas stays and wreaks more havoc on the body than the incisions ever do. it even works its way up as high as your shoulders. mostly you feel as if the tire of a monster truck just rolled over your abdomen. my gas bubble was a nasty one this time. it felt huge and i could hear it as i changed position in bed. it glugged and gurgled, changing positions with me. i was a human lava lamp.eventually it decided to take up residence for several days just under my diaphragm, making every breath a shallow one until i took in a big heaving painful breath every so often and let it out with a loud sigh. my cat mattie died last june of lung problems that made it hard for him to breathe. his every breath became strained and heavy and finally i knew what his last days must have felt like. and it made me cry. mine would eventually be relieved. his never was. i didn't like the oxygen tube in my nose either. not only was it pesky, slipping out of place, it reminded me too unpleasantly of bob's reliance in his last days on such an oxygen tube. finally the nurse let me breathe on my own as long as my O2 stats remained acceptable.

in the morning dr. silverstein came in with photos of my insides. the ovary that was normal looked like the sickly one to me. the one that looked like an egg turned out to be the sickly one, twice the size it was supposed to be, and the one they had to remove. the other one remains in there, suspended somehow. lonesome, but trucking on, keeping me hormonal. she showed me my uterus, which looked like any glistening organ, as you might expect. she explained that it was tipped over so badly it must have caused me back pains. days later she would tell me that one fibroid inside was the size of a golf ball and inside it was so riddled with adenomyosis that it "must have caused me a lot of pain". yes....that would be why i had it removed.

old scars from old surgeries. my liver. fascinating stuff. the only thing that made me vaguely weak in the knees were the black gristle burn marks of the cauterizing tool. "this is your cervix cauterized shut," she said, and i decided that was just about enough. organs OK, burned organs not so OK. i guess doctors get real happy when things go well, although i think if i were a doctor i'd find it a lot more exciting when things go wrong. she was quite cheery with her little photo album of my guts in hand. after looking at my 4 incision sites she decided i looked OK. standing up i had a very unsightly, saggy balloon swelling on the left and complained that i was lumpy. she assured me that the swelling would go away, after all that was the biggest incision, through which everything had been sucked out. it deserved to look a little traumatized. i decided this must be what it feels like to be stabbed in the gut. you can literally feel its path inside.

dr. silverstein was all set to let me go home until she heard i had no one to go home to. she knew bob had died 2 years ago but assumed i had someone who could stay with me. i did not. so she declared i'd have another night's stay in the hospital in my nice private room courtesy of health insurance (hey, if you get one for something coming out of your uterus, why not also get one for your uterus coming out altogether?) besides, i was not in any condition to go home if you asked me. insurance companies kick people out of the hospital too quickly these days to save themselves money. i was in pain, i was not terribly steady on my feet, there was no one to make sure i got to the bathroom without fainting - one more day wouldn't hurt. so i got to keep my super sterile isolation room and get served 3 squares a day. the menu seemed so glamorous. you mean i don't have to circle just one item? i can have as many things as i want? but i found the kitchen staff was quite literal. if you forgot to circle butter, you got no butter even if you'd ordered an english muffin and it would seem sensible that you'd also want butter.

mom came to visit the first morning looking angry at the world, waving her big thumb splint around and describing how swollen her hand was, how she had to remove her rings as i'd predicted. i lay quietly, holding my belly. "oh! give me my rings!" i said and she extracted the purple felt bag from her purse. i dumped the contents into my white linen lap. only 3 rings fell. i looked into the bag, shook it again. nothing else came out. where was bob's gold wedding band? "that's all you gave me," mom insisted. "i don't remember 4 rings." i tried not to panic. i especially didn't need her panicking. my voice, however, was strained and insistent - i had 4 rings, bob's was missing. she explained that she'd taken her own rings off in the Emergency Room and put them in the bag along with mine, dumped them all out on the bed at home later, then tossed her own rings into her jewelry box. "i don't remember seeing any gold band." i called Security to search Pre-Op, the OR and the ER, all the while knowing fat chance they'd find anything. if the ring had been in my lap when i went into the OR it was now in the bowels of the hospital laundry, lost to me forever. in this economy anyone who found it was unlikely to turn it in to Lost & Found. mom left in a worse mood than she'd arrived in, telling me "you have no idea how upset i will be if i lost bob's wedding ring!"

"how upset you'll be??"

after she left i let myself go. i let the panic and sobbing overtake me and took a klonopin, snuck in along with the American cheese. i waited for the phone to ring and the words "i found it!" 45 minutes, an hour, then 2 hours passed. nothing. i cried even harder. she couldn't find it and she was too afraid to tell me so. i was too afraid to call her and hear those words, already too overwhelmed with my own loss to deal with her hysteria, because it would not be pretty. eventually the phone rang and mom blithely said "hi, how are you?" what the fuck? i didn't want to hear hi how are you, i wanted to hear i found it or i didn't find it. "did you find my ring?" i asked and she answered "oh yes, i just knew you were drifting off to sleep when i left so i didn't want to call and wake you." call and wake me? i'd been unable to sleep for 2 hours, tormented by the idea of bob's wedding ring lost forever! but she had it, tossed in her jewelry box with her own gold jewelry, and would bring it over later.

when she returned with my rings she was a different person. who is this person and what did you do with my real mother? she was cheerful, the perfect hospital visitor, bearing a box of chocolates and magazines for me. insisting that i have all the extras i was entitled to, like the cranberry juice and pudding they had in the ward's kitchen. well OK. so we stocked up on loot in the form of food as i put each ring back on its proper unswollen finger. as far as i was concerned, the return of bob's ring was no less a miracle than the I Love You balloon christmas morning. earlier i tried to convince myself that it was just a material thing, a piece of metal, paling in importance to other things like love and memories. and i told myself he rarely wore it anyway because of the kind of work he did. wasn't it more important that i had the engagement and wedding bands he gave me? but no matter how buddhist i tried to be about it, i knew its loss would have devastated me and i surely never could have dealt with my mother's sobbing guilt on top of it.

in the evening i wandered alone through the corridors of Maternity. they had pretty wallpaper and elegant, dim, ambient hall lighting. it was spacious and many of the rooms were empty, their beds twice the size of mine. i imagined that dying patients on the 2nd floor might have liked one of those empty suites. i scarcely heard the squalling of any newborns. in a way it reminded me of the vast empty hotel in the movie 'The Shining' as i sat in the dark looking out the Solarium windows at the snow falling outside. i could practically see the strange little psychic boy pedaling his Big Wheel through the halls, the scary twins, the elevator doors opening and dumping blood. "redrum, redrum". bored, i posted my impressions in my Facebook status. they even had a computer up there.

a little old nurse (i later found out she was only 2 years older than me!) asked me at some point if i was farting yet. i stared at her, aghast. farting? is that official nurse-speak? i hardly wanted to admit to that. "farting's good!" she announced happily, "we like to know if you're having a little toot, let's us know your bowels are starting to work again, though nothing will probably come out for about 4 days." she was right. nothing did. i went from the Fleet blast to complete asshole withholding. i counted how many meals i put into my belly and worried . . . 6 meals and nothing coming out. just how much could i put in without this becoming a problem?

after dr. silverstein deemed me OK to go home, but required me to stay anyway, the nurses seemed almost to forget my presence. after all, i was the oddball 'extra', not a new mommy. i was in the Restricted air-locked room with 2 doors, i was easy to forget. i felt guilty pressing the Nurse button on my bed so i would pad out into the hall instead in my sticky-bottomed socks to ask "wasn't i supposed to get my percocet an hour ago?" i didn't want to seem like a drug addict, but this did hurt! the surgery may have been hip and state of the art, but it had left several holes in my belly and i was minus a uterus and one ovary. i spent some time wondering what happened now in there . . . were the other organs happy they could stretch out and take some of that empty space? would my bladder now be able to expand to impressive size and allow me more time between bathroom visits? i drink so much water, this would be a good thing. or is there just an empty space in there now? i sat reading the pamphlet on the "supracervical hysterectomy" i'd had - it had been, apparently, robotically performed using the da Vinci System. i began to word association. da Vinci System, da Vinci Code (being a snob, i never read it, having read Holy Blood, Holy Grail already). V - symbol for the sacred feminine. my initial was V and i had just gotten rid of my "sacred feminine". the pamphlet explained that the woman might feel a sadness, a feeling perhaps of being less of a woman. a sense of loss for her uterus.

i snorted and tossed the pamphet on my tray table. loss? i'm still the sacred feminine without that thing and can't imagine i will ever miss it.

the prep before the prep

i figure that if i have to guzzle an ounce and a half of powerful liquid laxative tomorrow at 4 PM then again at 7, i'm likely to spend the evening circling the bathroom and since i have to cook some food to freeze for easy warming while i am down for the count . . . i don't want to be mixing cooking with toilet visits, you know? so this evening i've been racing around like a madwoman trying to get things done. i am the furthest thing from a domestic goddess, so you have to understand that this is hard work for someone like me. for instance, i'm incapable of making Jello without reading the box instructions word for word. i just made some because after breakfast tomorrow my diet is strictly curtailed to Jello and clear liquids. then at 4 PM, well - you know what happens then.

first on the agenda after work was a visit to the grocery store. i loath the grocery store. it's like my version of hell on earth. i shop like a european usually, stopping for stuff at the nearby little family grocer where i no doubt pay twice as much. and the irony is - that means i end up shopping 5 times more than if i went once a week! but i just can't stand the Big Shopping. however, i had to do it tonight so my usually empty cupboards and fridge would be stocked for the duration. i got 3 bags of oranges for the price of one, so if anyone local wants oranges i have plenty to dole out. lots of toilet paper, naturally, because that's gonna be a must-have tomorrow night! 3 bags of cat litter (hey, i have 6 cats), so much deli ham and cheese i will never want to look another sandwich in the eye again after this, and lots of my favorite Pepsi 0. people wonder why i drink it - it has 0 calories, 0 sugar, and 0 caffeine. but it's a nice change from my usual gallons of water.

when i got home and unloaded all the stuff i set about trying to shovel the godawful slop mother nature dumped on us today. heavy slush is a bitch. only half the walk is shoveled and sanded (yes, just the part i need to get to the driveway and back). pedestrians will just have to take their chances from there. around here they tend to walk in the middle of the street with their dogs anyway, a joy for those of us trying to navigate snowy streets. it's a law to shovel your sidewalk and yet they don't use the damn thing! but, with my luck, one will, and that person will fall on their ass and yell whiplash and sue me. i'll take my chances. the back porch steps are a bitch and i am worried about being able to get out to feed my bunnies and the wild birds . . . but maybe the little kids across the street would like to earn a couple bucks. i decided not to change the litterboxes until the last minute tomorrow night so they are as clean as possible for the upcoming week or so.

now i am washing my button-butt longjohns, which i suspect i will spend the majority of my time in (i need to find the other pair!) after 4 holes in your belly, you really don't want to be in anything with a waistband and i am a big fan of the button-butt for winter visits to the john. all my blankies and robes are washing. since i suspect i'll be on the couch downstairs for the first night home at the very least, i covered the cushions with a snuggly wool blanket. but then i covered that with another blanket because i know my cats - and one of them is bound to vomit a hairball on my bedding. the little bastards will never hurl a hairball on the wood floor. no, it has to be in one of my shoes or on the rug or on the couch. so i am prepared! particularly since i just fed Mikey some shrimp tails, his favorites. he puts them down with gusto, but they seem to come back up with equal gusto later on. but with those cute pleading yellow eyes, how can i resist giving him his treat?

i'm making angel hair pasta, spinach, shrimp and feta (with olive oil) for my dinner and enough left over to freeze. this is a meal i can manage to make because it doesn't require much of my presence at the stove. yes, i hate the stove. if it takes longer than 15 minutes to cook, i'm not interested in cooking it. since bob died i think i've turned the oven on all of 3 times. the microwave, on the other hand, gets good use. i have 2 pots and 2 frying pans. i can also make spaghetti and meatballs. i am an expert at cooking hot dogs.

a friend of mine promised to deliver some tubular meat (the best kind) on sunday. goddammit, i hope he brings some crackers to go with that sausage!

i forgot to borrow some DVDs from the library for moments of boredom. daytime soaps might drive me to suicide and i don't think there's much else on. i have 5 books to read and hey, you ineternet people can entertain me. how long i am supposed to be laid up, i don't know. when i had regular laparoscopy i guess it was a couple days but this time there's 4 holes instead of 2 in the belly and organ removal so . . . i doubt i'll be tuning into the exercise channel to tone my abs. i wonder when i can drive again? i forgot to ask. i drive a stick (jeep wrangler) so it requires a little more of the abdominal cavity than a regular weenie kind of automatic car. but when there's a will there's a way. in due time.

the best "gift" i bought myself for this upcoming exile to the couch is an electric blanket. all the heat in this 150 yr old house goes upstairs even with the door closed at the bottom of the stairs. i can crank the heat to 75 on a 10 degree night and be lucky if it gets up to 61. with a $290 natural gas bill this month, i've definitely decided an electric blanket down here is the way to go! i literally go into a heat-induced coma beneath it and so does Biggie, my 20 lb cat who should, by all rights, be hot enough with all that fat, but never is. my biggest fear is Biggie deciding to pussyfoot across my tender belly, as cats are wont to do. mine are horrible. Spanky sits on my chest, Mikey swats me in the face when he wants me to get up. they all use me as a natural bridge to get from one side of the bed to the other. assholes. i feel sorry for Baby, who has never come downstairs of her own volition since she arrived here in September of 2007. apparently, she is queen of all upstairs. my bed is her bed, she has her dainty water goblet bedside, the spare room has her food and her Baby-Only litterbox. if i am down her for a while she will be lonely. well, perhaps not. she has 5 boycats to keep her company, all of whom are allowed on the bed only by virtue of her grace. that is, except Mikey, who is top cat to Baby's queen cat. he is 18 and nobody fucks with him.

today the hospital lady told me to bring as little as possible for my overnight stay (in the maternity ward - which i find somehow quite amusing). no jewelry, no nail polish, what? - no false eyelashes?! no lipstick (but what about that Lifetime show i saw advertised called 'Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy'?? i can't wear lipstick to my ute removal? that's just not fair. so i hesitantly asked, "is it OK if i bring my pink stuffed bunny? i can't sleep without him." the nurse laughed, but nicely, and said of course. just not into the operating room. that's OK, he's not sterile after all, and no amount of washing seems to get the little balls of Baby's black fur off him.

it's weird, i never felt the least bit anxious about any prior surgery. in fact the nurses laughed when they had to wake me up to insert the IV i was so relaxed (and no, it wasn't thanks to drugs). see, bob was there. i felt completely at ease in his presence and tend to just surrender myself over to the hospital staff (really, like there's a choice anyway?) i took for granted that if i died, not that i would have or will, he'd take care of things. but there is no more bob. the hospital has so many unpleasant memories for me, since this is where he died. bob won't be there. he won't sit with me beforehand, won't be there in Recovery, won't visit, won't take me home and take care of me. someone today told me "but he will be there" and i like that thought and could kiss her for saying so.

" . "

soon it will be over. 36 years of agony. no, no, i'm not about to off myself on New Year's Eve. the thought never even occurs to me even during my darkest moments. and besides, who would take care of the cats, the bunnies, the fish? and god...how i would hate the thought of someone going through my STUFF. so no, not gonna happen. what IS gonna happen is surgery and the removal of what i call that useless bag of flesh (though i actually think it might be muscle) - my uterus! since america is all about renaming things (i.e. the vagina has become the va-jay-jay, the kasloppis, the hot pocket) i will rename the uterus. since Useless Bag of Flesh is too long i'll rename it the Ute. my apologies to the indian tribe of the same name.

others get alot of use out of the ute, for instance that horrible Jon & Kate Plus 8 on TV and their counterparts 17 Kids and Counting. how i would like to neuter those folks. but alas, i am not queen of the world. i never had any use for mine. from Day One it's been nothing but a source of misery. when i was an innocent 12 my family was on a camping trip and at some lake in Wisconsin where we'd spent the day frolicking in the water. that night i had the top bunk in the camper and the next morning i awoke in a pool of blood. i stared at the murder-sized pool, horrified that perhaps a fish had bitten me in the lake and i'd suffered a delayed bloodletting. i called plaintively to my mother. the mother who had never told me the Facts of Life, mind you, and as the oldest i had no big sister to clue me in. hence my blame on the fish. she herded the rest of the family out of the camper then said to me, smiling, "you're a woman now". my inner response was 'what the fuck?' the next bit is blurry, but i assume we stuffed my underpants with toilet paper and changed the sheets, perhaps even flipped the now-stained mattress. then it was off to the store to buy me my very first Kotex and naturally i was completely mortified. the box looked gigantic on the check-out counter. the rest of my family was confused and curious and i just wanted to die. why hadn't i been warned about this horror???

we had places to go, things to see, so the six of us jammed into the station wagon and before long i found myself sicker than i'd ever been in my life. my gut suddenly cramped with pain and all i could do was vomit, so they gave me a bucket. no one had much tolerance for my condition and the other children grumbled about having to give the middle seat up to me so i could lay down. i begged to be allowed to just lay in my misery in the camper we dragged behind us, but that was Against the Law. fuck the law, i needed to get away from these people and puke and writhe in peace! finally i got my way and thus went the first day of my newfound womanhood. well, whoopee.

those cramps never relented. OK, sometimes i'd be spared for one month, but mostly i spent a day or more laying in bed in the fetal position or cycling my legs to distract me from the pain. i recall my youngest brother david coming up one day to console me when he was around 6. he brought a saucepan of hot water and a washcloth to put on my forehead, which was very sweet, and said "i hope i don't catch it". oh david, what i would have given to be a boy right then and rid myself of menstrual cramps. and penis envy had nothing to do with that wish!

my father had little pity for my condition. he seemed to think i was faking it and should get outside and help him cut wood. men have no idea and just once i would like to inflict a painful period on all of them for just one month so they'd learn a little compassion. instead, they seem for the most part to be revolted or at least uncomfortable by the very idea of a period. yeah, like we like it? to me it's nothing beautiful, no celebration of womanhood. 'aunt flo', 'my friend', all those stupid names . . . it's just a pain in the ass. or the ute, as it were.

i'll never forget the red flood that ruined my beautiful white jeans on a boat trip through some caverns in upstate New York. i'll never forget being unable to get up for (ironically) change of periods at school because my pants had soaked through to my wooden chair. i'll never forget my friend debbie's disbelief that i didn't know what a tampon was. hell, mom hadn't even told me about a period, much less a tampon. so debbie helped me buy some and described how to put it in. i was very wary. stick that thing up there? OK, so yeah there's a string . . . . but what if it came loose? how would i ever get that tampon out? so i didn't want to stick it up too far and spent the day leaping out of my chair every time i sat down. apparently, you can't stick a tampon in just a little ways. it will constantly remind you that it's there. then came the day (again, camping) that the string DID give way. any woman out there can imagine my horror. i tugged and there was no resistance, and all i held in my hand was a limp little string. how the fuck was i going to get out of this??! i spent what seemed like hours in the campground ladies room stall doubled over fishing around in there. i had no idea how deep this hole was! i didn't know where it could travel if i didn't get it out! and god, no way could i tell my parents "er...i need to go to the hospital to have this tampon fished out". i was 16 for god's sake. that was out of the question. finally, sweating profusely from the effort, i hooked the damn thing and pulled it out. no one has ever known such relief.

of course i swore off tampons at that moment, but a modern woman can't stick to that resolution. i was just never going to use that brand again.

i thought every girl experienced the same kind of cramps i did. i was too shy to compare notes on the subject. so i just withstood the monthly pain even though it reduced me to cold sweats and near or outright faints on many occasions. the nurse practicioner i went to for my first OBGYN appointment told me my cramps were "just normal". take some aspirin. aspirin didn't cut it, sister. and neither did percosets or anything else she prescribed, always with a tsk-tsk look as if she thought i was exaggerating. finally during one Thanksgiving dinner my entire family witnessed the distress i was in when i left the table to lay in the living room and cry in pain. if i left a table filled with food, after all, it had to be bad. my olive skin was white and clammy. the otherwise robust valerie was reduced to whimpering and writhing. the only thing that ever made any dent in the pain was a heating pad, and probably only because my burning flesh was preferable to what was going on inside my ute. my mother finally said "get rid of that nurse practicioner, go see a real doctor!"

and so i did. and so i was diagnosed with probable endometriosis. and, since they cannot really know for sure without going in, i underwent a laparoscopy which proved the diagnosis right. two little holes in my belly and the sensation that a truck had run over my abdomen, and i was cured! for a couple years anyway. endometriosis has this nasty little cancer-like habit of just going right on about its business even when you remove it if you are unlucky. and i was unlucky. endometriosis, if you don't know, is when endometrial tissue from inside the ute decides to go on a roadtrip through your gut and attach itself to various organs. in truly horrific cases it forms webs from the ute to other organs like your intestines or bladder. i read one horror story where it took a full 8 hours to remove such a web of tissue from one woman. the laparoscopy is really a piece of cake, especially when compared to years of monthly agony. they pump your belly full of gas through one little hole and stick a laser through another little hole to cauterize the adhesions. the gyno showed me polaroids afterwards of what had been going on in there all those many years and, while it wasn't pretty, it was rather fascinating. and so a couple years later when the endo returned i had no qualms about subjecting myself to yet another surgery. beats all the motrin and painkillers in the world.

but now it's gotten ridiculous. i'm 48 and i've been through this bullshit since the age of 12. enough already! i knew from a young age (12, to be exact, the year my brother david was born and i decided i wanted no part of babies) that i was never going to be a mother. i have no maternal instinct. i sucked at babysitting and i can't stand the caterwauling of an infant. i don't even consider babies human until they're old enough to be amusing (around at least 3) and even then i have about a 2 hour tolerance limit. that doesn't mean i am not able to be nurturing (though i dislike that touchie-feelie word) and compassionate. i have a passion for animals, for instance, and will defend them with my life, rescue and care for them. and don't call that a maternal instinct. it has nothing to do with mothering. Mother Theresa was one of the world's most compassionate, caring and doing people in the world - and yet, not a mother at all. go figure.

ironically, children like me. they think i am great fun, probably because i just treat them like little adults, i enjoy scaring the shit out if them with items like my genuine human skeleton, and they like it. even babies like me and i'll never know why. babies will stare at me in the most abnormal fashion and smile away, toddle up to me trying to look all cute, but in my head i'm saying 'you don't tempt me, kid. i want no part of your kind.' i don't coo over babies, i think they all pretty much look and act alike, and while i have no trouble working with incontinent cats, a baby diaper would make me lose it for sure. i am not impressed with reproduction. after all, the whole world is doing that in excess and ruining the planet with over-population. why is it a 'miracle' when a human does it .... and not when a rodent or roach does it?

too many people have children to have 'something to love' even though they are completely unprepared in so many ways to raise a child. adopt a pet, for chrissakes. others want to fill some hole within themselves. fill your hole in a psychiatrist's office first! (well, not literally, that would be wrong). and more people want little carbon copies of themselves. gotta make sure those genes live on! and yet, in a lot of cases, those genes really should be put to a screaming halt. but, like i said, i'm not queen of the world and i can't put a stop to this. sure, some people truly do have good reasons for having children, will be fit parents and have the means to raise them and know enough not to go overboard. i'm OK with that. moderation, people, moderation. on the flip side, there are so many unwanted children in this world already there's a good argument for adopting and giving them homes. i was with Angelina Jolie when she first started down that path, but now i just want to neuter her and Brad Pitt too.

some people, women that is, think i must be jealous of their status as mothers. nothing could be further from the truth. i've been accused of that by both one sister-in-law and one step-daughter. to that i say have you met me??? obviously they don't know me at all. they translate my failure to cootchie coo over the cute baby ad nauseum as envy. such an accusation is actually highly amusing to me. do they think they hold some exalted status for having reproduced? i don't get it. honey, i too can do it, i just don't wanna. i chose this childless status and i've been nothing but happy with that choice. so those out there who think we the childless must be unfulfilled, must not know some higher love, know this: different strokes for different folks. we actually can be whole without replicating. we're not lacking in anything.

what i want to be lacking, ladies, is a uterus! and soon, oh happy day, i'll have my wish. i would have done it a long time ago but i was never into the long 6 week recovery. i'm too active to opt for that. and now, more than ever, i can't afford to be down for the count for any length of time. since bob's death (another one who wasn't big on kids though he had 2 and 4 grandchildren) i seriously don't have time to be bedridden. no one is going to do all the work around here for me. but now, through the grace of medicine, i can have that ute removed through a mere 4 little holes in my belly. isn't science great? they've figured out some way to peel that thing like an apple and extract it through an itty bitty hole and reduce the recovery time to a week or two! several months back, when i was bleeding excessively, doubled over by bursting ovarian cysts and endometriosis, my gyno did exhaustive exams. i have fibroid tumors up the wazoo, some disease called adenomyosis (not life-threatening or painful so i don't care about the details), 2 cysts on one ovary and endometriosis. she gave me a list of 4 options, which started with 'wait for menopause and hope it comes soon.' uhhh.....fuck that! i've been waiting for 36 years! painkillers (yeah yeah, none have impressed me), some pill to fake menopause (no thanks, on enough meds as it is), OR the most radical - this surgery. radical? i'm in. take that useless bag of flesh!

so, on january 9 i am checking into the hospital to rid myself of the accursed ute. i had a biopsy the other day (why, i am not sure) and that hurt, but not as bad as the complete agony i was in just 2 weeks ago when i lay on the couch sobbing "make it stop, make it stop" and almost dragged myself to the ER. all i can say is thank god for 800 mgs of motrin and a vicodin. wouldn't you know my last period had to go out with a bang. that is one vindictive ute.