it hasn't been a good week for spiders.
last week i walked into the bathroom and i guess something caught in my peripheral vision because why else would i look up at the empty plant hanger? there she was, a halloween gag of a spider, perched back by the window frame, arms all akimbo, awaiting a dopey fall fly, i suppose. i stopped in my tracks and stared. i remembered one just like her on the back of my thigh one evening on the couch years ago, tickling. i reached back and brushed absent-mindedly, then sprang off the couch when i realized what it was. crawled the floor after it, beating it to death with a shoe. i like spiders, but christ. at least this one wasn't on my person, but who could tell when she might be? she could be in the towel i used to dry my wet head. she could hop down on me for fun. i don't know why, but i reached up, expecting her to recoil in fear. instead, she sprang at my hand and i was screaming because she was gone - just like that. and i have a head full of curly hair. i stood in the bathroom tossing my hair and beating at my head, certain she was in there. when i was at least satisfied that nothing could have lived through that, i retreated to think about that spider and what to do about her.
immediately i became obsessed with her. i returned with my camera and she was back on her perch, coolly surveying me and the room. i filmed her for Facebook so everyone would believe she really was a really big spider. then i brought back a broom so i could whack her. she of the many eyes could see it coming and was gone before the broom came down and this time i saw where she went, down behind the window frame. sneaky beast. she had it all figured out. there was no way i was going to get near her. so i beat her web to death instead and retreated once more to consult with the web (hah, little pun there) and find out what she was. jumping spider? no, she didn't look like that. brown recluse? no, way too big. wolf spider? that's what the one on my leg was many years ago. it was hard to tell, the photos i had were fuzzy. hard to get near a creature that attacks you and disappears. i settled at last on wolf spider. they aren't known for coming inside that much, but here she was. this one did. no surprise, since i leave the porch door open so often. even my shower spider had never inspired such curiosity in me, but then again, she never menaced me.
i looked at hundreds of Google Images. wolf spider. pretty sure. they are aggressive, they jump. i went to bed satisfied that she couldn't possibly traverse the entire downstairs and the staircase to follow me to my room. the next day, there she was again. i had the constant feeling that i was being watched as i brushed my teeth and washed my face. and i bet she had the same feeling, because i never took my eyes off her. i filmed her again for my Facebook friends as i reached the end of a cat fishing pole up to her lair. she gathered herself together, pounced at it, then hid again in her crack. i screamed, but more in delight. she was a freak of nature and she was amusing me greatly.
i named her Itsy. i'm not sure when or why it happened, but i no longer felt the urge to kill her. i liked her in a creepy way. she reminded me of my other not so distant encounter with wildlife - the tiny mouse Sparky. granted, not as cute and even though i wasn't going to kill her anymore, i wouldn't have gone through heroics to save her life either. she was the antithesis of Sparky, so big and strong and confident and agressive. he was so tiny and vulnerable. i enjoyed documenting Itsy over the next couple days.
but then saturday morning she was not there. she never disappeared unless i scared her. um... so where was she? i swept back the shower curtain to wash my hair and there was her crumpled body laying on the porcelain. i was crestfallen. but then again, problem solved. probably killed by a cat who'd discovered her drinking. Beanie, most likely. the great hunter. probably played her to death. i gravely announced her demise on Facebook then rushed off to lunch.
that evening, i went to gather her little corpse from the tub to compare her size to a coin on camera. but wait.
there she was. up on her perch.
so who is that dead in the tub? i fished the body out with a tissue and took his photo with a nickel. see? just like i told you. big. but it was another big spider because mine was still up there.
i stood up on the toilet with my camera. what the hell? she looked bigger than ever. or perhaps i was bravely getting closer than ever. she was staring at me with her eight beady eyes. i could see the hair on every one of her 8 legs. she rested uneasily in her web, a hammock of white silk. but didn't i read that wolf spiders don't use webs to catch their prey? her speed was her deadliest weapon, she snatched meals out of the air. so why the hammock? she was interesting, and she was horrifying.
when i finally saw Itsy in all her glory on my computer screen, i shuddered. i was staring at the quintessential halloween spider. people keep spiders like this as pets and call them tarantulas. i was beginning to feel a bit unnerved. she was a lot scarier onscreen, which made her a lot scarier in real life. do they bite? well, not really, unless provoked. oops, i had provoked her a couple times now. if they bite, what is it like? well, here are the fangs (thank you, Google) and here are the holes in the flesh, and here is the inflammation and necrosis. OK, so they were worst case scenario, but spiders like Itsy make you think worst case scenario. i wasn't liking it much. but i couldn't see any way of catching her, not where she'd fashioned her lair. she'd even see the vacuum hose coming and escape. well, as long as she didn't bother me and i didn't bother her, perhaps we could live together.
but i hadn't thought of the babies. suddenly as i scrolled through hundreds of spider images, i found one that made my body itch and my mouth shriek. there was an Itsy on my screen, her back covered with spiderlings. they were revolting to look at. sure, wolf spiders are the good moms of the spider world, they carry their offspring on their backs everywhere they go, stopping to let an errant baby crawl back on if it falls off. how sweet. i really didn't need to see that. and it dawned on me. what if the body of the spider in the bathtub had been her mate? what if she'd murdered her him in the tub, not Beanie at all? is that what they do? if the dead one was a he (he was smaller, after all) then that could mean Itsy was with child. or with spiderlings, yet unhatched. was that hammock for her kids? ugh, she was starting to really give me the willies. all i could think about was Itsy and that man spider, and how she must have used him and then killed him. and there she was, all smug in her baby hammock, waiting to present me with a hundred little ones just like her.
i couldn't have it. no. i could not have Itsy sporting a hundred spiderlings overhead. i couldn't have them skittering around my house, taking up residence, growing as big as Itsy. and what of that air traffic control tower not long ago that had to be shut down because baby spiders swarmed the controls? that could be my house.
RAID. i had some RAID. hornet killer, but if it could kill a white faced hornet, i was pretty sure it could kill Itsy. she looked at me as i stood in the doorway. "i'm sorry," i said, "i really am sorry". and then i blasted her. true to form, Itsy leaped to attack the spray as i dead-eyed it right into her hammock, then she fled into her crack. the plant hanger was dripping by the time i was done, the air wretched. i turned on the fan with a sad sigh and closed the door until morning. she'd either be dead and gone, or bigger and badder than ever and out for my blood.
she's never there. i look. i still haven't stopped looking. i fully expect to see her. and then i don't and so i still think to myself 'i'm sorry, Itsy'.
today i opened the old gas grill out back and a spider much smaller than Itsy dangled there with one perfectly round egg sac. but the other egg sac beside it had burst open and its spiderling contents clung to the web, so tiny and pale and really quite remarkable. but these spiderlings are outside and that's OK. i examined them curiously, photos for posterity, made sure the mom wasn't a black widow (could i murder another spider in just a week's time?) and closed the lid. i haven't named her, but she can live and so can the spidey gang. they're outside, right where they belong.
it hasn't happened yet, but one of these days i will stop looking for Itsy.
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